Parenthood

15 Things I Wish I Knew Before My Baby Was Born

You hear the usual advice; sleep when they sleep (pfft that doesn’t happen), the washing can wait (well, it can if you want to become nudists), they grow so fast (they do, but sometimes it’s also slow). But there is a bunch of things no one tells you!

Our first child was born in August 2014, so I’ve been working 24/7 at this parenting job for just over 3 years now. Am I an expert? FUCK NO! Will I ever be? DEFINITELY NOT!

Really, in the grand scheme of things, I’ve only experienced a tiny speck of parenthood. To think how much I’ve learned and changed in three years scares me, considering there is another 60+ years to go (because we’re all parents until we die, right?!). Oh god. I think my boobs just sagged a little more just thinking about it!
I have so many phases, ages, tantrums, tears, laughter and memories ahead of me. But for now, I’ve compiled a list of things I wish people told me before I had a baby. And these are things I love to share with new Mum’s!

1. Your baby doesn’t need a willy to be able to pee on you.

2. There is such a thing as projectile baby shit

3. Just hearing your newborn baby cry can make your boobs spurt milk like a majestic dairy fountain.

4. Button-up onesies are useless and too time consuming. Once you zip, you never go back.

5. Bath time means EVERYONE gets wet. You don’t need to be in the actual bath

6. Fish scoops are excellent for scooping those code-browns out the bath.

7. ‘COME HERE RIGHT NOW’ actually means ‘Keep doing what you’re doing and why not just run further away’.

8. ‘Popping to the shops’ is a thing of a past. There is no such thing as ‘popping’. ‘Marathoning’ to the shops is more like it.

9. Giving kids lemon juice is hilarious (weirdly my kids have now developed am immunity and happily suck on them)

10. Once your kids hit 2.5/3yrs old, NEVER say anything you don’t mean to do (eg. We’ll go to the beach later) because they will not forget, even when hours have passed, they. will. never. ever. forget.

11. Windex will get permanent marker off your child’s skin. Toothpaste, soap, dish washing liquid, vinegar, bi-carb soda and shampoo will not work.

12. Windex will NOT get permanent marker off your walls. Neither will toothpaste…mainly because your kids will start licking it off the wall. In fact, I’m yet to discover what will get the permanent marker off. Please stand by.

13. Kids will eat sand and see nothing wrong with it and will not stop no matter how much you tell them.

14. 3yr olds are terrible at Hide & Seek. Unless you consider hiding just your head under the toy couch the middle of the lounge room a great hiding spot…

15. The best thing I have learned about having kids is, even when you’ve forgotten their favorite snack, or ran out of time to take them to the park, or even accidentally bonked them on the head with the washing basket (they are at that hazardous height for what feels like FOREVER), they will STILL somehow love you and want a cuddle or to hold your hand.

What are some of the things you’ve learnt since becoming a parent?

Jessie
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