This was written only a week after I got my positive pregnancy test…
There is so much joy and so much fear all at the same time when experiencing pregnancy after loss. In the same breathe, I feel overjoyed and so excited for what is ahead but I’m also waiting for it to be ripped away from me again.
I asked my close friend ‘is it possible it can just disappear?’. Because I tested so early, I worried that it would show up but then just disappear. Maybe if I hadn’t tested as early, I would never have known any different.
I’m writing plans, writing lists, pinning nursery décor ideas. But I’m also telling myself not to get too excited just in case.
It’s impossible to just get carried away with the joy, like I did with my first pregnancy and then the second one that I lost. Since then, I’ve now had two pregnancies filled with fear. It would be so lovely to do to just feel nothing but joy! But because of my previous experience with pregnancy loss, I can’t. It’s sprinkled with fear and sadness.
Sadness for the one we lost. Sadness remembering the emptiness and pain I felt. Sadness that I am feeling SAD instead of giving this baby the full joy I think it deserves.
Pregnancy loss is more than the time it happened. It’s weight is carried by me every single day. It’s heavier on the date I lost it, the date I had the surgery and the day it was due. And it’s saturating during early pregnancy.
This is my second pregnancy after the one we lost. I was much more fearful during the pregnancy straight after the loss (which gave us my now 2 year old Son, Jagger). But this time round, I’m worried there is a pattern that needs to be executed. Have a baby, lose a baby, have a baby…….
The reality of making it past 12 weeks seems quite real. But the reality of not making it is also so real. It’s not a ‘what if’ situation. In my mind, it’s 50/50. It really could go either way. Both scenarios are entirely plausible to me. This is probably completely irrational, but it’s just the head space I’ve fallen into.
I’ll await every early scan, preparing myself for the ultrasound technician to show that puzzled look on their face as they try to find something that might not be there.
And now, at 17 weeks pregnant…
Every thing was fine.
I was really frightened the whole time. At our dating scan, the technician measured the little blob, showing the date on the screen almost a whole week behind my date. I began panicking and thinking to myself ‘This is it, it’s too small, it’s not viable, it’s happening all over again!’ and then the technician said ‘Oh that’s great, it’s all within the normal range and everything looks perfect!’
The weight of experiencing a loss surprised me. I didn’t think it would be so heavy, but it was. It just puts a fear in you that you can’t ever escape, and it’s just a matter of accepting that and doing your best.